An introduction...

Like I said in my profile.. my name is Kelly and I am 30 years old. I've been living in AZ for about four years now.
I was diagnosed as Bipolar when I was 17. And through the years..they've also added Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality.

The last 15 years have been hell. I've gained 150 pounds from my depression..lost all my friends..tried and failed to go to college three times. My self-esteem is non-existent. My self-hatred nearly overwhelming.
I haven't had a boyfriend in thirteen years. I've been alone (aside from my parents) for so long.. I don't even remember what it's like to have friends or a boyfriend. But I am so ashamed of my weight that I hate to go out in public because I will be surrounded by reminders and evidence of everything I don't have. I see women my age with friends.. boyfriends.. husbands.. children.

I have tried so many times to lose weight over the years. I've joined gyms...used work out videos...Weight Watchers...swimming...walking...but my emotional problems have always ruined every attempt I've ever made. I've almost come to look at my mental illness as a physical thing..completely separate from me that I am forced to live with..that is constantly working against me. Making it impossible for me to do anything. So after so many years of trying my hardest.. giving it every thing I had.. and still failing..I lost all hope. I reached rock bottom. And tried to force myself to accept that this will be my life.. That I will die alone and never have anything remotely close to a "normal" life. I will never get to experience romance..dating.. falling in love.. marriage..sex.
That's how I have been feeling for a while now. So what's changed? Several things. One is that I have been stuck going to a horrible Behavioral Health center...that is completely incompetent. All they offer me is meds. Nothing else. As terrible as it was, I was forced to go there because I am on Social Security Disability and the only insurance I was eligible for was Medicare because I got too much money. There is plenty of other good behavioral health centers in my town.. but they don't take Medicare.. The only one they accept besides private insurances is called ACCESS. But I was not eligible. Until now.
Recently, just this past month, Social Security cut the amount I received every month to less than half of what I was getting. All because my Mom is also getting on it.. and they will only give out so much money to one family.
The amount of money I am getting now is low enough that I am eligible for ACCESS. So I can go some place else. Someplace decent. Where I can get counseling...a peer counselor...a decent doctor...group therapy...and classes on how to basically deal with life. So I am very excited. They've also increased my meds...so hopefully that will make a difference too.

The other big thing that has given me hope back isn't really guaranteed yet. I found out that Medicare may cover a weight loss surgery called the Lap Band. It is a minor surgery...done laproscopicley. With a short recovery time..and it is not permanent. And I meet all the qualifications. You have to be at least 100 pounds over weight. Have a BMI of at least 40. Have been overweight for at least five years. And have made many past attempts at losing the weight.

So tomorrow I am going to make a doctors appointment to verify all those things so that I can apply to Medicare to have the surgery.

Having the Lap Band done and actually being able to lose weight would make such a huge difference in my life. It'd be like the domino effect. I lose weight..I get some of my self-confidence back...I'm more willing to get out there and meet people..I get a boyfriend.
I go to a better behavioral health center and I can some real treatment that can help me deal with all the changes.
But.. on the off chance that I can't get the Lap Band done...Because I am on some better meds.. I have been feeling alot more like I am willing to try again. That I've not ready to give up yet.

So I will be using this blog to record my efforts.. my day to day struggles concerning weight loss...depression.. changing bad habits (such as not picking up after myself, my apartment is a disaster) my hopes and dreams...my progress..or lack there of. I will also be filling it up with my favorite inspirational quotes and pictures. And since I love to read...I am sure I'll be talking about books I am reading or have read. Oh.. and I love interior decorating. And I know that being surrounded by a nice enviroment...and beautiful things.. really helps with my depression.