Good news!

I have good news! One of the reasons money is so tight is because they cut my disability check in half. Actually...over half. I was getting almost a thousand..and now I am getting not even 400. So a couple of weeks ago I went to the social security office to apply for SSI. (Supplemental Security Income) They would give me an extra $200. And today I got a letter and a check in the mail telling me I was approved! I was also approved for ACCESS. Which is a government insurance. Having ACCESS means I can get away from my horrible behavorial health system. And I was losing an extra $100 every month to pay for my Medicare premium. But now that I have ACCESS..they will cover that too! So that's a $100 a month I will get back! So.. I have money now to go get some groceries! YAY! And I can get some better mental health doctors and I can get a Primary Care Physician and I can finally get the ball rolling towards my Lap-band surgery!!! Now the only thing I am waiting on is to find out how much food stamps I will be getting and when I can start using them.

What I'm reading...

Right now I'm reading a book called "Passing For Thin" By Frances Kuffel. It's a memoir of a woman who lost half her body weight (150 lbs) and about what it was like transitioning between a life on "Planet Fat".. to a life with a healthy body weight.

I'm enjoying it because I can really relate to her experiences with being fat. The sense of shame and embarrassment. The difficulty with finding nice clothes and the lack of attention from men. The problems with self-esteem and self-hatred. And she talks about all the changes that came with losing that much weight. Which I am enjoying reading about because I am hoping to see the same kinds of changes in my own life once I start losing the weight. It's like giving me a look at what I have to look forward to.

The author can be a little harsh sometimes and a little self-centered. And she lost the weight through an OA type group with a sponsor and meetings and stuff as well as weighing and measuring her food and exercise. And she does seem to have the attitude that this is the only way to do it and anyone who may want to do it another way is wrong. But it is easy to over look because it's just her opinion and I can understand her wanting to advocate it because it worked for her.

So anyways, it's a pretty good book and it's made me interested in looking into other books with a similar topic.

Interior Inspiration

I've learned that I definitely have a favorite style when it comes to decorating. I love the comfortable, homey feel to these rooms. It's what I'd like to have my apartment feel like. Which I'm happy to say that I feel like I may finally have a chance at having that.

Keep on keeping on...

-I've got five freaking Tumblrs now! lol There's my regular one..My Great Escape, and there's my Interior Inspirations. There's also one I created that not very many other people look at yet. It's mostly just for me. It's full of images and quotes of things that inspire and motivate me to lose weight and try to change my life. I just call it My Motivation. Then of course there's the best one.. it's the place where I collect all the evidence of the J2 EPIC ROMANCE! Lol! It's just called Jared and Jensen Are In Love. And last but not least.. there's the one I just created tonight. It's just for pics of Jared and Jensen. It's called FuckyeahJsquared! LOL

I think I'm a little addicted to Tumblr. But it's so much fun. I've found so many cool things and so many great images! I like having the one I call "My Motivation" because it's like a digital version of my dream books. Big books I've made that I fill up with pics and quotes that motivate me. Having it online with Tumblr's reblogging system and their "sharing" bookmark makes it so easy to add to. And I can use images I would never be able to find in print.

-Still not smoking.. and it is getting a little easier. It's not comepletely easy yet but I am able to go a little bot longer without constantly thinking about needing one.
I still freaked out a bit when I went outside where we all usually sit to smoke. It was too much of a reminder.. and I couldn't stay long.

-I'm really happy that my apartment is still clean.
Every month...the management brings in a guy to spray for bugs. It's like a preventative thing.. to make sure the bugs stay away. So every month.. for at least one day.. my apartment had to be clean. And I normally would be up really early the day they were coming trying to get it done. And then I couldn't keep it clean after that any longer than a few days. Five days tops.
But this time it's been over two weeks and the place is still clean. And I want to start doing a kind of spring cleaning. Do a little deeper cleaning. Get to all the crap that I've never really gotten to before.
It feels really good to have my place clean. It's amazing the difference it makes in my mood. I feel calmer.. more relaxed. More able to deal with things because I'm not surrounded by filth and chaos.
I'm going to be posting some before and after photos soon. It's something I'm pretty proud of.

Thinspiration!

Some more thinspiration! Since I am suffering with quitting smoking.. I need a reminder of why I am going through this. They won't do the surgery on a smoker!!! So I have to quit if I ever wanna look anything like this..

How many times can I break till I shatter?

So I haven't smoked a cigarette in over three days.
And I'll be honest.. If it wasn't for the fact that they won't do the surgery on a smoker.. I probably wouldn't be quitting.
I've wanted to quit.. it's not that. It's just that my life has always been so full of crap.. one horrible expirence after another...with nothing ever going right and constant severe depression.. that I just didn't have the strength to try. I didn't want to put myself through the stress of trying to quit when it was one of my biggest crutches. One of the few things I had in my life that made me happy.. made me feel good. With having so few things in my life that made me happy... I wasn't ready to give that up. And honestly.. with my life.. I wasn't planning on sticking around much longer after my parents passed anyways. So I wasn't concerned with it maybe killing me someday. That's the truth. I don't tell many people that.. but that's pretty much what I was thinking. My parents are my rock. The only family and support I really have and I know I won't be able to handle losing them. Not when I am all alone. No family of my own besides the two of them. No husband and children of my own to help me get through it. Not even a boyfriend. So for a long time now I have pretty much been comforting myself with the knowlege that I only had to last that long.

But now I have the hope that it won't always be this way. That there could actually be the possibility that I won't have to be alone. If I can lose this weight.. feel better about myself.. meet someone... Maybe I will have my own family by the time that day comes.

So I am willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen now.

Not long ago I had completely lost hope. I had reached rock bottom. I had truely believed that I was going to be this way forever. That there wasn't any chance of changing. I had tried so many times and failed every single time. Every effort I made was ruined by something completely out of my control. And I was tired of trying to fight the universe. I had no strength left. So I gave up.

But for once.. this feels like a sure thing. When I have this surgery.. the weight will come off. No question. Whether or not my depression acts up or not... whether or not I can get get myself to exercise...won't matter. The weight will come off reguardless. I will have no choice but to control my eating because my stomach literally will not be able to hold the amount of food I eat now.

So my mental problems.. my issues.. can not get in the way for once. And that is the only reason I am willing to try again. That is the only reason I have it in me to try again.

Long time no post...

Wow.. it's been a while since I've posted here.
It's weird. Sometimes I just get in these moods where I don't want to think about or write about my real life. When things get overwhelming, sometimes I need to escape into my fandom and my head for a while in order to stay sane.
But lots has been going on.. obviously.. that's why I got overwhelmed. And I will be making a post soon. I have some pictures of my apartment to upload and I want to talk all about the seminar and how things are progressing towards my having the surgery.

Since I've been hiding I have just been writing alot. I write fanfiction and it is a great escape for me. I've got a big fic in progress right now that needs to be finished in about a month or two so I have been working hard on that.

I just need some time to get my head together and I'll be back.

A busy day ahead...

This is it!. At least I hope so. Today is the day that I am going to take the first real step towards some big changes.

Today is the seminar for the Lap-band. It's the first step. I hope I don't have to wait too long to have the actual surgery. I can't wait!

I have been doing alot of cleaning. The manager will be here today sometime shortly after 8am to do the inspection. And I still have a few more things that need to be done for that. Then once that's over...I am going to go cash my economic stimulus check and then take my car to that car wash.

I am going to leave around 11am for the seminar. It will take me about an hour to get there.

Then the rest of the weekend will be spent writing. I promised my artist that I would have my rough draft to her by Monday. And there are still a bunch of scenes that need written.

One of my goals is to manage my time better and stop procrastinating so much. I am sick of these mad dashes to get things done at the last minute and the stress that comes along with it.

Pic source

My favorite Self-help Books!

For any of my friends who might be interested.. I put together a list of my favorite self-help/motivational books..

I love to read so over the years I have read tons of self help books. Some were good..some were really good..and some were really bad. The ones that I consider my favorites are the ones that I own myself..that I have read at least once..and that I feel really helped me in some way. Most of these I love so much I have read them over and over.

The Simple Abundance Daybook of Comfort and Joy By Sarah Ban Breathnach
I absolutely love Sarah Ban Breathnach 19s style of writing. And this book is my absolute favorite! She is so inspiring and full of wonderful ideas.. Whenever I need a reminder of how I want to live my life I pick up this book.

The Simple Abundance Companion By Sarah Ban Breathnach
A great additional source for those trying to follow the Simple Abundance Path.. With lots of space to record your own thoughts and work on the exercises..

Romancing The Ordinary By Sarah Ban Breathnach
The second book in Sarah 19s Simple Abundance series.. This book looks at the idea of abundance from a slightly different perspective but it is just as wonderful.

Creating Your House of Belonging with Simple Abundance By Sarah Ban Breathnach
This is Sarah 19s fourth book in the Simple Abundance series. And this one is a bit different. It is still full of her inspiring advice.. But it is also part memoir.

The Artist's Way By Julia Cameron
Julia Cameron is my other favorite author alongside of Sarah Ban Breathnach. Her ideas on finding yourself through creativity are wonderful I feel like I am listening to a friend speak when I am reading her books.. Like I have found a kindred spirit.

Floor Sample By Julia Cameron
Even though this book is not technically a self-help book but a memoir..I wanted to list it here because to me it has been a great inspiration and really helps you get into the mind of Julia Cameron.. She is an amazing woman who has been through a lot..suffering from mental illness and alcoholism and yet she still managed to find her place in life and make the most of what she has. A wonderful inspiration.

Money Drunk, Money Sober By Julia Cameron and Mark Bryan
One of my biggest problems has been getting my finances under control and this book is full of practical advice that has kept me going and guided me when I had no idea what I was doing or how to dig myself out of the hole I had landed in.

The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Cronic Depression By J. Mark G. Williams, John D. Teasdale, Zindel V. Segal, Jon Kabat-Zinn
When I first picked up this book I was simply curious but as I started to read it I started to cry because I had never read such frank and true descriptions of depression and what it is like to live with it. I have been interested in mindfulness for a while now..and this book, which combines mindfulness with Cognitive Behavioral therapy, is simply put and easy to read and truly gave me hope. And it comes with an audio cd full of the meditations that the authors recommend.

Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting By Lynn Grabbhorn
My absolute favorite book on the Law Of Attraction. Reading this book feels more like having a conversation with a friend rather than reading an instruction manual like most books on the subject. Lynn has an almost irreverent style of writing...and approaches the subject in a way that way that no one else really does. This is the first book that makes me feel like there is hope and that I really could have the things I want so much out of life.

Jack Canfield's Key to Living the Law of Attraction: A Simple Guide to Creating the Life of Your Dreams By Jack Canfield
My second favorite book on The Law Of Attraction. No flashy writing..nothing that reads like a promotional advertisement. Just the facts. Straightforward and practical. With plenty of space to write and full of wonderful quotes from people all through time which helps to give and idea how long the Law of Attraction has been around. It is not a new idea.

A big motivator...

In order to motivate me to get off my butt and get cleaning...I looked through some interior designs to remind myself how much I want to live in a beautiful space. I found some really beautiful ones!

These were all found at Inspiringdecor's Flickr.

UGH...

Today was a terrible day.. I shouldn't even be on the computer. I have too much cleaning to do.
The day before yesterday I was up all day and then all night. I got two hours of sleep and then I had to get up for an appointment I had forgotten all about. Thank God I had set a reminder in my clock right after I made the appointment or else I would have missed it.

So I was up all day yesterday too.. I crashed at 9pm and slept HARD all night and all day today. My apartment is still a disaster and they are coming to spray for bugs tomorrow. And then Friday morning my aprartment is being inspected. So I am going to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off over the next couple of days.
Then on Friday I haave to be in Phoenix by 12:30 for the seminar on the Lap-band.

I am going to go through some of my friends list and watch a download of L&O SVU and then I have to start cleaning.

Happiness...

great_gropes, originally uploaded by heylove_010.

Testing...testing.. one two three

This is just a test of my multiply cross-posting blog. Hopefully it will work. Please ignore me. lol

Thinspiration!

To me.. Kate Winslet has always been the most beautiful woman. Inside and out. She's had body image troubles too.. but she takes care of herself and she looks amazing now.
She is my first thinspiration..

A good day...

First.. hello to my first follower! *waves*

Second.. today was pretty good. I got all my laundry done and I had dinner with my parents. Instead of starting the cleaning I got all my grocery shopping done. Without having a panic attack. So that's a pretty big deal. :-)

I forget to get the money order.. but that's ok. I am setting my alarm to go off at a decent time tomorrow so I can get over there to get it before the mail comes.

Tomorrow I am going to focus on the cleaning.

Great news!

I found out that Medicare does in fact cover 80% of the Lap-Band procedure!! And there is a surgeon right near me! I've signed up for a seminar this friday. It's the first step in the process!

I am beyond excited! Like I said before, I had pretty much lost hope. Maybe the quote on the picture I posted in my last post is really true.

Busy day...

I actually have a bunch of things to do today. Some pretty improtant things too.

Why this is significant is because I am normally a very big procrastinator. So actually doing things on the day that they should be done is a pretty big deal for me.

My to-do list...
1. Get money order for school loans.
2. Do laundry
3. Call Medicare
4. Clean apartment
-Do dishes
-Pick up clutter
-vaccum

The main list of EVERYTHING that has to be done at some point over the next week is...
1. Go to Art Awakenings
2. Go to DES appointment
3. Finish cleaning the apartment
-clean bedroom
-clean bathroom
4. Make doctors appointment (hopefully)

I am really big on making lists.. my disorder.. or maybe my meds.. makes it hard for me to remember things. So I need lists... although sometimes I do forget that I made the list. LOL

An introduction...

Like I said in my profile.. my name is Kelly and I am 30 years old. I've been living in AZ for about four years now.
I was diagnosed as Bipolar when I was 17. And through the years..they've also added Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality.

The last 15 years have been hell. I've gained 150 pounds from my depression..lost all my friends..tried and failed to go to college three times. My self-esteem is non-existent. My self-hatred nearly overwhelming.
I haven't had a boyfriend in thirteen years. I've been alone (aside from my parents) for so long.. I don't even remember what it's like to have friends or a boyfriend. But I am so ashamed of my weight that I hate to go out in public because I will be surrounded by reminders and evidence of everything I don't have. I see women my age with friends.. boyfriends.. husbands.. children.

I have tried so many times to lose weight over the years. I've joined gyms...used work out videos...Weight Watchers...swimming...walking...but my emotional problems have always ruined every attempt I've ever made. I've almost come to look at my mental illness as a physical thing..completely separate from me that I am forced to live with..that is constantly working against me. Making it impossible for me to do anything. So after so many years of trying my hardest.. giving it every thing I had.. and still failing..I lost all hope. I reached rock bottom. And tried to force myself to accept that this will be my life.. That I will die alone and never have anything remotely close to a "normal" life. I will never get to experience romance..dating.. falling in love.. marriage..sex.
That's how I have been feeling for a while now. So what's changed? Several things. One is that I have been stuck going to a horrible Behavioral Health center...that is completely incompetent. All they offer me is meds. Nothing else. As terrible as it was, I was forced to go there because I am on Social Security Disability and the only insurance I was eligible for was Medicare because I got too much money. There is plenty of other good behavioral health centers in my town.. but they don't take Medicare.. The only one they accept besides private insurances is called ACCESS. But I was not eligible. Until now.
Recently, just this past month, Social Security cut the amount I received every month to less than half of what I was getting. All because my Mom is also getting on it.. and they will only give out so much money to one family.
The amount of money I am getting now is low enough that I am eligible for ACCESS. So I can go some place else. Someplace decent. Where I can get counseling...a peer counselor...a decent doctor...group therapy...and classes on how to basically deal with life. So I am very excited. They've also increased my meds...so hopefully that will make a difference too.

The other big thing that has given me hope back isn't really guaranteed yet. I found out that Medicare may cover a weight loss surgery called the Lap Band. It is a minor surgery...done laproscopicley. With a short recovery time..and it is not permanent. And I meet all the qualifications. You have to be at least 100 pounds over weight. Have a BMI of at least 40. Have been overweight for at least five years. And have made many past attempts at losing the weight.

So tomorrow I am going to make a doctors appointment to verify all those things so that I can apply to Medicare to have the surgery.

Having the Lap Band done and actually being able to lose weight would make such a huge difference in my life. It'd be like the domino effect. I lose weight..I get some of my self-confidence back...I'm more willing to get out there and meet people..I get a boyfriend.
I go to a better behavioral health center and I can some real treatment that can help me deal with all the changes.
But.. on the off chance that I can't get the Lap Band done...Because I am on some better meds.. I have been feeling alot more like I am willing to try again. That I've not ready to give up yet.

So I will be using this blog to record my efforts.. my day to day struggles concerning weight loss...depression.. changing bad habits (such as not picking up after myself, my apartment is a disaster) my hopes and dreams...my progress..or lack there of. I will also be filling it up with my favorite inspirational quotes and pictures. And since I love to read...I am sure I'll be talking about books I am reading or have read. Oh.. and I love interior decorating. And I know that being surrounded by a nice enviroment...and beautiful things.. really helps with my depression.